Finally.

Countless scenarios have run through my mind.

Sometimes, she is everything I thought she would be: Big limpid eyes, demure smile, luminous skin, long silky hair, great body, and the sweetest-looking and mild-tempered creature. And I would quickly hide behind the nearest pillar, as my already deflated ego and I are instantly shrunk into a tiny whimpering mouse.

Sometimes, I fantasized about finding the courage to walk up, chin held high, to chat him up, and boldly check her out from head to toe, taking in every single detail, for later dissection.

Sometimes, I would let the snideness take over, introduce myself to her, and say, "Oh, so you are the one who continued to ask him out even though you knew I was still his girlfriend."

Mostly, I just dreaded the "meeting". Because I couldn't bear the visual reminder that he had moved on. And because I didn't want to look and feel inferior beside the other woman.

- - - - - - - - - -

I didn't even see them coming towards me. The bear spotted me first, and it actually took me about 3 seconds to register that the guy smiling at me widely, and almost sheepishly, was him. I quickly figured that the girl nearest to him was the woman -- I almost thought she couldn't be, but there was no other female in his immediate vicinity. It's quite a blur, but I think I smiled back at him, said "Hi", and then hurried after SF, to tell her.

Across racks of clothes, we checked each other out; oh yes, she was just as curious. The strange thing is, the few times she turned around to look, or rather glare, she looked mighty pissed. Maybe I looked like I was glaring at her too. Shrug. But she sure looked like I had been the one who stole her boyfriend. Snort.

Friends asked whether I took the opportunity to go up and kick her ass.

Nope. And I don't regret not having used the opportunity to.

Because when I saw her, and her pissed face, I knew she was not worth my effort.

Of course, it helped that I was looking good on Saturday. If you must know, it's a girl thing :-)

Whose side are you on?

"Aiya, you keep talking about him, why don't you go fight to get him back?" and then an emphatic "Why aren't you fighting?" (Sigh. This obviously coming from someone who hasn't known true love, and thinks everything can be "made" OK.)

Because people should know when they have been "conquered".

- - - - - - - - - -

When relationships / friendships turn bad, people take sides. Sometimes, the sides are clear, e.g. when you have known one better / longer than the other. And so, you just have to take your friend's side, whether or not you know he / she is right or wrong.

Sometimes, the sides are not so clear, e.g. you know both parties just as long, or when you aren't getting the whole story from one or both parties.

It wouldn't matter if the friend taking sides was never that close to you anyway, or was only an acquaintance, at best. As SF said, after a recent rebuff from a mutual friend, it's "no loss" since she'd never considered the latter as a "friend". Still, it's unpleasant to think about what's being said about you, true or otherwise.

And then, there are the friends who do matter. Maybe you feel it's a matter of principle to present your side of the story too. Maybe you just need acceptance. It's almost like one of those messy split-ups when couples start to fight over shared possessions.

Or do you feel that real friends would give both parties the benefit of the doubt and seek both sides of the story, and so, you shouldn't have to be the one cleaning yourself up after the mud-slinging?

- - - - - - - - - -

Friends can gradually grow apart or suddenly break up, and become, at best, mere acquaintances, at worse, strangers. I suppose it's quite natural for that to happen, people change over time, especially during formative years or after major life events.

I have had close friends from primary school, secondary school and JC drop off from the radar screen. I know I've actually changed in different ways through these phases, which is why I found it harder to identify with my ex best friends from yesteryears. And I guess it's also because I've never been that good at the long-term maintenance work.

As I grow older, I find it more and more difficult to "make friends", and to acknowledge a familiar face as a "friend". I've been quite fastidious about filing and refiling names into separate folders marked "Best Friend", "Friend" and "Acquaintance". By the way, all the males get an additional tag on their folder: "Bastard". Heh. Wanna know which folder your name currently resides in? Laugh.

I also find it less difficult to drop friends now. Although my need for acceptance is still strong, it's now tempered with a greater sense of confidence. And I'm less willing to put up with shenanigans.

My score card just ain't gonna look too good at the end of the day huh? Well, better quality than quantity. Heh.

People expect different things out of relationships / friendships. I know of this group which saw each other through JC, university, work, and marriage. What puzzled and then amazed me was how the group still managed to stay together in spite of the growing and very obvious internal dissent and resentments. It just seemed to me that they didn't stay together out of genuine regard for each other, but just to keep up appearances and because occasionally, they do call upon each other for favours.

I think, in a way, being honest about what you think about the relationship / friendship and where it is heading is a more sensible approach and would be more respectful to the other party. Why so mian2 qiang3 (forced) just to keep a nice front? We're all mature adults, are we not?